Today has been the shits, and here I turn to creating my blog as an outlet for all my emotions. Why am I doing this? To get answers on why? To get support from random people on the internet? To find out I am not alone, suffering with this addiction? I just feel like I need to put my thoughts somewhere and I need an outlet.
Today I was forced to admit that I am addicted to responding to Craigslist casual encounters ads. I guess I am some type of weirdo pervert that’s addicted to sex. I wasn’t looking for sex with minors or animals or anything “weird” it was all w4m ads, typically ones that weren’t upfront about being escorts, because I feel I am decent looking and shouldn’t have to pay for sex if I wanted to go through with it.
The messages I sent were a release for me, it gave me a huge amount of excitement and it became consuming. Some days I would even search out of my own city for ads to respond to, knowing quite well that I would never actually meet these people but the talk and fantasy of what could happen was drawing me in for more.
This type of behaviour was the “norm” for me, ever since I can remember having the internet it was cybersex and online chatting, online dating profiles (P-O-F, Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, Match. At one point or another I have had them all, but I was never committed enough to subscribe to pay for them) and fantasy sharing. I have always kept it a deep dark secret and have never shared with anyone, but today my fiancé went through my phone and found my secret email address with my messages and my deepest darkest secret was revealed. She knows and it’s out there now so I might as well share it with whomever is out there is cyberspace and hopefully I will get some feedback (positive or negative) or some insight to the fact that I am not alone and that people have been through this.
Like my name on here on my blog justinloogen or “just in looking” comes from what I was actually doing, I was fuelling my addiction by looking for sexual experiences and then talking with females about this, with no intentions of actually meeting. Nonetheless I am a guilty and I know what I have done is wrong, I have cheated through the Internet and broken her trust. She is the most important person in my life alongside my children and I need to make her realize that it wasn’t her being enough or that I need more than what she can give me, and that it’s an addiction and a very real one. I don’t need her to forgive me for me, but I need to make this right so that she knows she is a beautiful person and that she deserves forever happiness and that I will be forever sorry. So no matter how long it takes to forgive me I am going to keep apologizing and I’ll wait forever for her to forgive me.
Today is the first day without Craigslist and I am not going back.